While it is not an outright rejection, a deferral is still a big let down.
What if your child’s early application decision is a deferral?
A deferral is the most common decision from an Early program since there are many applications and few spots available. Depending on the college, anywhere from 5%- 20% of the defers might get a final admission in the spring. So while there is some face saving here, the odds are still against eventual admission and further applications must be completed within the next few weeks.
College Admissions Deferrals: Where the Parenting Gets Tricky
Deferrals offer hope. There is nothing more powerful than hope for a human being…and therein lies the rub. Your child might not grasp the odds on being admitted now and might want to do everything possible to turn that deferral into a yes. While I love that tenacity and grit, I’d strongly encourage focusing them on other schools. This might take some finesse, depending on your child…or on you and your own ego needs. 🙁
Please do not keep stoking up their desire for that school because you are probably setting them up for more pain.
Yes, your child might be one of those 5-20%ers who is offered admission in the spring because we know that your child is a star. (there’s that flicker of hope again.) The problem is that you haven’t seen the others in the applicant pool. I guarantee you that if you did, you’d be completely shocked. As good as you think your child is, there are others just as talented and accomplished. Plus admissions officers know that the student’s application is getting admitted, not the student. There is a difference. What others say about your child is just as important as your child’s record, and you’ll never know what has been said. And then there is the fit factor…so it’s too complicated for you to strategize around. Just take a deep breath and surrender…you have no control on this one.
Your role as parent in this moment is to be your child’s grounding cord. Offer your love and support, give lots of TLC, remind them who they are because they just took a big hit. Tell them why you love them. In that teachable moment, offer up a story or two from your past to prove that you went through hard moments before and actually prospered because of them. Give them their privacy if they need it.
As a Parent, You Are Modeling How Healthy Adults Behave in A Moment of Crisis
Most of all, do not match your child’s energy. Don’t allow yourself to go into grief over this. Don’t complain about their guidance counselor or teachers or any other student from their school who got admitted just now. You are modeling how healthy adults behave in a moment of crisis. Disappointment and rejection are necessary to build inner resilience to face life. You can’t protect your child from these feelings. The best you can do is to encourage them to keep going, for they are surely having their initiation into adulthood through a baptism of fire.
Give them some down time as needed and then get them moving again on those regular action applications that are due shortly. And no matter what, hold the confidence for you and your child that everything will work out fine in the end.